“I don’t know” is a valid feeling.

Has anyone ever asked you the common question, “how are you doing?” only for you think, or say, "I don’t know”? I am one to give this answer quite often and it wasn’t until recently that I discovered that answer is valid.

How could “I don’t know” be a valid feeling? Because most of the time, we don’t actually know how we are doing or what we are feeling. Our lives become so busy with minute by minute rush, that we tend to shove aside any feelings just to keep surviving “through the motions”. Or, we were never taught what emotions are, how they feel, or how to cope with them. So, how on earth are we supposed to actually know how we are doing, if we don’t understand what we are feeling?

In the rushed style of society, when people pause to try to talk about their feelings, they are typically passed by being left in a cloud of dust and disapproval. Society tends to “applaud” those who are constantly promoting, or acting, “happy”, “active” or “successful”. But when someone reaches out for help, people tend to turn the other eye. Especially for men, who are traditionally always raised to be “hardworking”, “dedicated”, “focused” and emotionless robots. There is a reason that men hold the highest rate of suicide and depression and it is because if they speak up about any emotions they may be feeling, they are deemed as “weak” or “incapable”, thrown out by society’s standards.

I am here to tell you that it is okay to not know how you are feeling, it’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to not always be happy, it’s okay to talk about it and it is more than okay to pause and decide you no longer want to participate in a rushed society, full of fake social media expectations that end up leaving you feeling worse than when you started.

So, where do you go from here? The first step is determining that you either don’t know how you are doing, or knowing you’re not doing well. If you have determined either of those in yourself, then congratulations because you just conquered the hardest part! The second step is to stop running and start diving into your body, mind and feelings. Write down your thoughts and what you feel when they come up. For example, “I am thinking about the school year starting soon and it is making my chest tighten and my heart beat a rapid pace”. Keeping these habits simple, true and consistent can open the door to noticing patterns, identifying when different emotions arise and validating yourself when they arise.

Once you consistently start noticing, or writing down, these feelings and when they occur. You start to notice patterns such as how you act after work each day towards others, how you feel when you wake up and how you feel before going to bed. You are creating a visual for yourself to reflect on and use to determine your emotion patterns.

Another strategy that can be quickly added into your daily practice is doing a full body check each day. Take two minutes and just pause your body and mind, stand outside if you can, close your eyes. Slowly with your mind, start moving down your body and checking in every part, starting with your head then moving down to your neck, shoulders, chest, arms, hips, legs, calves, feet…etc. Notice any areas or muscles that are tight, if there is any pain, note it. Take three deep breaths, then thank yourself for being here today.

You are training yourself to become more in tune with your body and it’s signals. Learning how to notice the ques it sends you, in the hustle of life you may have been ignoring for far too long. Once you have practiced these, start really noticing when any stress or upset comes up in your body and in your mind. Take note of when and how long you feel the discomfort and let yourself know it’s okay to feel it. It is okay to feel.

Starting small is what allows you and your body to blossom into it’s whole self. Taking five minutes a day just to check in with yourself can change your whole life. It’s okay to not always know how you are doing, it’s okay to not be able to just say “good” and it’s perfectly okay to say you are in the process of figuring it out.

You are learning all of these emotions for the first time, so it’s natural to be unsure of what they are or why they are here. But taking the first step of curiosity and exploration of yourself is how to grow into the best version of you. You are the person you will spend this entire life with, so start creating a strong foundation that builds the best home for yourself to live in. It all starts with taking the first step.

Let’s heal together-

Aubrie